"Wrestling with God and I won"
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." This is a scripture that I had memorized my entire life, but I hadn't realized how often I didn't follow this or make this scripture true in every area of my life. In most areas of my life I have done that but as of recent... not so much. I have heard a gentle whisper for over a year now of a season of change that God is going to bring to me. A season that would alter my husband and my life, a change that would affect everything. Prophecies prophesied, words were spoken, scriptures quoted, whispers heard and yet – when it came right down to it – I hadn't fully surrendered or trusted what God was speaking. The whole lean not on your understanding was the catch that I couldn't get beyond. It didn't make sense; I couldn't give up my control (because I mean, I know better than God...)! God began to speak to me over a year ago: Levitical Living, missionary lifestyle, "I am calling you out to be trained and equipped." I guess in the back of my heart and mind I didn't grasp or surrender to the idea that He would call me out from a job that I have loved (most days) for over 11 years. The very job that was helping us dig out of debt, pay our bills, as well as give us extra spending money, eat steak whenever we wanted and drive a car with all the bells and whistles (though it's no BMW and is quite old, I love it. I picked it out and it has almost everything I have ever wanted in a car). When God began to speak to me about these things, I assumed when it did finally come, I would have all my ducks in a row. I imagined we would have all our debt paid off, we would have incredible savings and my husband's pastoral salary would increase significantly. Well here I am and none of the above has happened. So, when I felt the grace lifting in my job and a strong sense to resign, I again assumed it was just my wishful thinking. My job had become more frustrating than not and it wasn't one that I loved anymore. Deep down I knew the truth of the matter, but I wanted more confirmation, needed more confirmation (yes, I know, how immature of me), but this is a big deal! Not bragging, but my job was bare bones when I walked into it and it is now a thriving successful place – it's my baby, an accomplishment I am very proud of as God and I partnered together to build it up. Now, I am contemplating leaving, and at times even prophesying it into the air... yet, despite all of that I am still questioning whether I was truly hearing God. Recently, one morning, I was wrestling again with the idea of walking away from my job and from an income we needed. I began thinking, "This is not realistic at all! So, no, I can't quit. Not now." And then I heard God's audible voice, "Since when have I asked you to look at your life realistically?" And I knew it – I was wrong and hadn't surrendered. I knew it at that moment that God was a tad bit frustrated with my wavering faith, and the fact that I was seriously considering being disobedient. The fear of losing my income didn't seem so bad right then, because I didn't want to lose my connection with God. He continued by quoting to me Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in Me, Angel, with all of your heart and DO NOT lean on your understanding – nothing I call you to will ever make sense when you look at it through your earthly eyes – you must have a kingdom perspective. In all your ways acknowledge (to know, to recognize, to perceive and see, find out and discern) Me and I will make your path straight." And at that moment, I released all control – my heart shifted to surrender and obedience. I knew I needed to step out in faith and leave my job, not knowing what is next, not having all of my ducks in a row, but only to TRUST and obey God and let Him direct me accordingly in this season. I know that some sort of education and equipping is approaching, but I don't have a clue what that will look like. I also know that I will be continuing to work with E5 Life Strategies, where I will continue my certification through them – and continuing to bring transformation encounters in traumatic places in people's lives. I also will be continuing to work with Found Ministries as we set up a missional school here in Dubois – to raise missionaries to go out into all the world! I know that I will be going to Uganda, Africa in the winter and possibly Russia, and maybe even Germany – who knows where else but that is all I know. I don't know how I will pay bills or pay for further education. I am not even 100% sure what that looks like, but what I do know is that God has gone before me and is making my path straight. In a sense, I feel like Moses and the burning bush. In that moment of seeing the bush, God makes a point to state that Moses said, "I will turn aside to see this great sight." Moses had to act to go see what was going on, he had to turn toward just as I am turning toward the burning bush and pressing in to trust God with all that I have. I am leaning not on my understanding. I don't know what Levitical Living or missional living looks like. I don't have a clue how it all plays out, but I am not trying to figure it out in my mind. I am pressing into Jesus and saying yes. I have been singing this song ever since the wrestle began, sometimes 100 times a day just to remind myself to stop trying to get my ducks in a row. I sing it as I begin to pack up my office and say goodbye to those I work with. I sing it when I begin to worry over finances and educational opportunities... then I lay out my life map and begin to hover over it all, choosing to trust Jesus and not my understanding. Nothing I Hold On To Will Reagan and United Pursuit Band I lean not on my own understanding My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me There's nothing I hold on to I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open I pray the same for you. I pray that whatever season you are in or whatever it is God is calling you to, you can look beyond the reality of your circumstances and see the call from the perspective of Heaven. I pray you will be able to fully surrender control and trust the maker of heaven and earth – that He truly is Jehovah Jireh, your provider. He doesn't call us to fail, He calls us because He has abundant life for us. It doesn't mean it won't be hard, some days more than others, but it will be worth it. You see, I have been wrestling with God and because I have completely surrendered at this moment, it would appear as though I lost. In the eyes of the world, I have lost my mind, my income, my title, and even my worth. But you see, in the eyes of the Kingdom, and as a believer, I have won!
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ANGELThere is a constant ebb and flow of seasons in my life: some easy, some not so easy. But with every season I am learning to focus in on Jesus, see His face and allow myself to be immersed in the process so that at the end of the day I look more like Him! Thanks for joining the journey!
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